Transmissions from the Alt-Reality4th of August, 2021
Social Media Guide
Nursery Hot Takes
Local satire news website calls popular social media company's bluff over blocked content by shouting into the #void instead. Sadly discovers the same level of #engagement.
Local man leaves a few Yellowpages books to rot on the front porch as a warning to the rest of them.
Voter fear as non-US Election based tweets appear to be wasted on #ElectionNight with few #engagments reported.
Social media is an eternal struggle between being just controversial enough to get popular, but not so controversial that you get fired from your job. Break this deadlock by going all in and making controversial #posts your job.
Are books making it too easy to learn things? We explore the case for shelving the paperback.
Government blamed for the increase in crime during pandemic due to superheroes unable to gain a permit to leave home after curfew for work, despite being the largest group wearing face-masks outside of medicine.
Government forced to admit that "draft report" is code for "gauge public opinion before attributing blame".
Local man continues to be both relieved and somewhat disappointed in future self due to lack of time cops knocking on his door to arrest him.
Being an #Influencer - someone who markets favorable reviews to their many followers for sponsorship - is not without risks; controversy impacts revenue. So make sure you have apologies sincere enough to last the week needed to get new sponsors.
Nursery Hot Take: Yankee Doodle
Country founded on imperial colonialism attempts to shrug off accusations of naivety and foolishness by taking ownership of slang term and becoming a country of imperialist colonisers too.
I'm a zombie and I'm finding it hard to make a living because of these mindless social distancing laws. Here's why.
Pharmaceutical company denies they made claims their new drug can be used as an excuse for racist outbursts after similar drugs were used to minimise the social backlash and unemployment effects of these ill opinions.
Local man celebrates becoming Top Fan on controversial Facebook page, acknowledges there were so many worthy of consideration.
Are giraffes better employed as power-line inspectors? Can snakes be re-skilled to clean gas pipes? We explore the alternative economic models for wildlife when transitioning away from hunting.
I'm a green-eyed monster and I hide my jealousy behind contact lenses. Here's how.
Being near someone who has bad body odour makes it difficult to focus on anything or anyone else. So it often helps to hold your breath; not only will you avoid inhaling, but if you pass out you will ignore the smell and make people focus on you instead.
Local dad regrets receiving mug with "World's Best Dad" on it as gift from his child after other dads try to outsource being a father to him.
Nursery Hot Take: Three Wise Men of Gotham
Nursery rhyme inspired by two-faced jokers who became the bane of a king. Nothing to do with Batman.
Breaking News: Twitter signs agreement with local Justice Department for a trial to allow its users to issue restraining orders on other Twitter users, hopes to introduce real life blocking.
Racist fined for not wearing face mask, claims they didn't want to appear hypocritical after demanding muslims stop wearing niqāb.
Local man refuses to wear a face mask during pandemic due to sibling always making him play the robber, wants to be the cop for once.
I.T. company makes submission to Government Inquiry suggesting they turn democracy off and then back on to see if it will fix current problems.
Zoom sessions and ghosts - Being forced to work from home can be difficult so here's 10 tips on how to haunt while keeping socially distant.
Nursery Hot Take: Baa, Baa, Black Sheep
Anti-Black propaganda perpetuating the white romanticism of the United States plantation era. No stars.
Local dad fears feminist future and worries over his daughter's ability to open jars and doors.