RE: Alt/Life
Jan 10, 2019

5 Alternatives to Marie Kondo

Wanting to try out the Marie Kondo method of de-cluttering but little in life gives you joy, let alone items you bought because you were trying to compensate for crushing loneliness with brute consumerism? Try these 5 alternatives!

1: Lucifer Method

When looking at an item, think on whether it evokes any sort of resentment, anger, pain, or shame and burn it. This may also include the house. Also, try to remember when you bought it and determine if the item was bought out of pride, lust, gluttony et cetera; an item that contributes to your sins isn't worth having.

2: Survivor: Cleaning Method

Line up all the items you can't decide to get rid of and have them compete for your affection, and the one that does that the least vote them out of the house. Through a process of elimination based on abstract criteria shown to only increase television ratings, you will cut your items down in a matter of weeks.

3: Milkshake Duck Method

For each item, research its history to find if it is 'socially problematic', and if so remove it and delete any social media posts about it before someone screen shoots them. Your research may include determining if there was the use of slave or exploitive labour in the item's construction, the item's tendency to contribute negatively to climate change, it was once owned by a racist aunt, or it was symbolic of a time where it was OK to kill someone that is frowned upon today.

4: Middle Management Method

There's nothing like a tight deadline to get rid of superfluous items, so panic and only keep those items that have garnered favour with you despite being the most productive. Additionally, treat your cleaning project as any middle manager would; throw out any item that does not meet your KPIs or does not 'gel' with the other items.

5: Six Month Leases Method

As any Millennial will tell you, couch surfing or landlords that throw you out every six months really forces you to focus on those items that will help you to survive. If it can't fit into two suitcases, it's time for it to go.